Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Blue

Most Jews today have never heard about Mussar. I went to Hebrew school for 12 years and never heard even once that there was a profound Jewish way of improving one's character habits, or that this method was developed over several hundreds of years with specific guidelines on how to become more mindful and balanced (even when you're faced with complicated, stressful moments or difficult, self-absorbed people).

What about you? Did you grow up in a family or a congregation where they explored with you the many fascinating Jewish teachings and tools on how to have integrity, strength, and compassion even in very difficult situations? Did you learn how to examine and improve the character traits (such as anger, impatience, moodswings, pride, judgmentalness, being a pushover, or being too rigid) that were causing trouble for you or the people you interact with in public or in private? Did you know there were brilliant writings and useful steps on how to make sure you were walking the walk and not just talking the talk?

Here in a quick summary is some information about the Mussar (character refinement) practices of Judaism and where you can find out more on how to study Mussar in an enjoyable and life-affirming way:

THE MYSTICAL ASPECT--WHY IT'S SOMEWHAT LIKE A WEDDING

On one level, Mussar or character improvement is extremely practical. It's about how to stay centered, compassionate, and effective, even when life or an irritating person is testing you.

At the same time on a mystical or spiritual level, Mussar study is like a holy wedding or a joining together of two beloved partners. One partner is you the human being who has a pure soul and a few complicated personality traits (that could definitely still use a little improvement no matter what chronological age we are). The other partner at this moment of joining together is the Eternal One, the creative Source of the universe, and this beloved One needs us to examine and repair what's broken between us or blocking the flow of light, so we can keep repairing the fragile world which is still somewhat unfinished.

According to one of the early Mussar teachers, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato, we human beings become sh'lemut (whole or complete) when we examine and transform our individual self by connecting more deeply with the expansive and unlimited Self that we call HaShem. Like most holy weddings, this search for a deeper connection, unification, or beloved partnership is an exciting and somewhat risky process that includes something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue, such as:

SOMETHING OLD

Some of the brilliant writings and guidance that we study in a Mussar class or discussion group are thousands or hundreds of years old. They come from the Torah, the Mishneh, the Talmud, the Medieval sages, and the many modern teachers of how to live each day with integrity, goodness, and perspective. What the Mussar scholars and teachers have done is to arrange these sayings, debates, and teachings in a way that it speaks to the personality traits and character struggles that you and I face in our lives today. When you study in a Mussar class how to be more patient, more effective, and less reactive with your awkward brother-in-law, or your less-than-sensitive neighbor, or an ex-spouse, or a noodgy person in the market, you discover that there are gems of wisdom and useful guidelines from ancient sages that can be applied to your everyday dilemmas here and now.

For example, at Ahavat Torah Congregation in the Mussar class and discussion group that has been meeting each Saturday morning from 9-10 a.m. in the Fireside Room of 343 Church Lane in Brentwood prior to Shabbat services, there have been some fascinating conversations about how to deal with real-life situations in which someone in your family or a long-time friend says or does something which gets on your nerves.

Each week Rabbi Miriam Hamrell (or Rabbinic Intern Susan Nanus when Rabbi Miriam is out of town) leads the discussion group in exploring many relevant ancient and modern gems of wisdom on how to deal with here-and-now challenges and dilemmas. The Mussar class each week is not only an enjoyable way to learn more about many centuries of practical Jewish wisdom, but also a focused way of exploring what habits and tendencies we each want to keep improving in ourselves.

Every participant in the discussion class (whether this person has been attending often, not so often, or is there for the first time) is treated with respect and each person's insights into these ethical and interpersonal dilemmas are taken seriously. Over the past four years of Ahavat Torah's Mussar class, there tends to be great diversity of opinion and background in each of the conversations, yet an atmosphere of mutual respect and caring has been consistent in these weekly discussions.

SOMETHING NEW

(Please note there is no Mussar class on Saturday morning, January 1st and Shabbat services will begin at 10:30 a.m. on January 1st only).

The new development is that starting during one of the upcoming Saturday mornings in January from 9-10 a.m. (before Shabbat services), the Mussar class and discussion group of Ahavat Torah Congregation will begin a new phase of bringing a very modern 21st century perspective to the ancient teachings. Members, non-members, and guests are all welcome and there is no payment or prerequisite necessary for showing up at a Mussar discussion group.

Starting as soon as the discussion group completes its current exploration of the varieties of "tikkun olam" (based on the writings of Rabbi Elliott Dorff of American Jewish University), the weekly Mussar class will be using a relatively new book entitled EVERYDAY HOLINESS: The Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar, which was written by Alan Morinis and published in 2007. Please feel free to show up at the next Mussar class on January 8, 2011 and be part of the conversation about the deeper meanings of "tikkun olam," which will soon transition into the topic of "Everyday Holiness and the Path of Mussar."

Every few months for the past four years, the Mussar class has looked at a different book to spark each week's discussions of how to live with integrity and wholeness during challenging moments. Based on the recommendation of Rabbi Miriam Hamrell, Rabbinic Intern Susan Nanus, and several of the participants in the Mussar class, it was decided in December to start reading and discussing Alan Morinis' teachings on how to refine one's character in the 21st century using Mussar wisdom.

SOMETHING BORROWED

In his books and his workshops, Alan Morinis draws from thousands of years of Jewish writings and teachings to come up with 21st century options for dealing with tough situations and stubborn character traits within ourselves. In a sense, he borrows from the best rabbis, teachers, and study groups in Jewish history to bring a very accessible and useful set of steps to our modern lives and daily challenges.

As described in his earlier book "Climbing Jacob's Ladder" (published in 2002), Morinis was raised in Toronto in a family that was culturally and politically Jewish but not very religious or spiritual. During college and as a Rhodes scholar in England, Morinis studied anthropology, Hinduism, and human pilgrimmages, which he then taught at a university in Vancouver while raising two daughters with his wife who is a medical doctor. Then he became involved in a charitable foundation and eventually became an award-winning documentary film producer. But despite numerous successes and cinematic awards, Morinis hit a low point when his film corporation went through a financial tailspin that resulted in bitter disputes between various executives and investors.

According to Morinis, being raised in an ethical Jewish home and knowing what it means to be a mensch didn't quite prepare him for the extremely stressful pressures of coping with a company on the brink of ruin and the tensions it placed on his personal life and friendships. So he began to look deeper into various Jewish teachings on how to live with integrity and wholeness even when life becomes quite chaotic.

In "Climbing Jacob's Ladder" he describes how, "One evening I came to a chapter on the Mussar movement and I wanted to know more about it. As I continued my reading, a new (and very old) world opened up before me. I learned that Mussar is a path of spiritual practice that had developed within the Orthodox Jewish tradition over the last thousand years. It tells us that at our core we are all holy, and it shows us ways to change those qualities within us that obstruct the light of our holiness from shining through. It assures us that we are not condemned to live forever with every aspect of the personality we happen to have right now, but that we can make the changes that will set free the radiance of our inner light. And it provides a tool-bag of personal, introspective, and transformative practices that will lead us, step by step, along the path of purification and change."

For the next several years, Morinis realized he needed a rabbinic guide and a deeply honest discussion group in order to truly learn and practice Mussar. So he began to travel for days at a time to study with a revered teacher in New York, Rabbi Yechiel Yitzchok Perr. While Morinis' first book "Climbing Jacob's Ladder" describes his many years of learning, wrestling with, and living the Mussar teachings, his second book "Everyday Holiness" spells out the steps involved in "making the changes that will set free the radiance of our inner light." Currently a widely-requested speaker and teacher worldwide, Morinis has become a bridge-builder between the modern perspective of those raised in liberal or secular Jewish homes and the many centuries of Jewish teachings and debates on how to practice Mussar character refinement.

SOMETHING BLUE

Now here comes the important first step if you want to be a part of this holy wedding between your soul and the Soul of the universe. Whether you decide to become a consistent participant in the weekly Mussar discussion group, or an occasional participant, or a once-in-a-blue-moon participant, you will benefit enormously by purchasing as soon as possible a copy of "Everyday Holiness" and bringing it with you to the class. This blue and gold book containing Jewish wisdom and practical steps for wholeness is available at a significant discount on Amazon.com and you can arrange a quick link giving a share of the cost of the book to the fundraising of Ahavat Torah Congregation.

You will find at Amazon.com that there are used hardcover copies for $8-$16 or new copies of the paperback edition for $13-$18. Since it usually takes Amazon 4-6 days to send a book to you, or it might take a week or two if you order the book through your local bookstore, make sure to order your own copy of "Everyday Holiness" as soon as possible so that you'll be ready when the Mussar class begins its conversations of these inspiring teachings.

Morinis' book has chapters on how to improve the way you find balance in many character challenges, including: humility, patience, gratitude, compassion, order, equanimity, honor, simplicity, enthusiasm, silence, generosity, truth, moderation, lovingkindness, responsibility, trust, faith, and yirah (fear/awe). There are also clear directions on how to set up a daily, weekly, or yearly accounting of how you are doing on the soul traits that you want to improve while there's still time.

Please don't feel you are locked into a permanent obligation if you come to the Mussar class at Ahavat Torah Congregation when and if you are able. No one judges anyone in this class (especially since one of the character traits we explore is judgmentalness). You will be welcomed each time you show up and if for any reason you don't have a copy of the blue and gold book in your hand you will most likely find someone offering to share his or her copy.

But you might find (as many other Ahavat Torah members, non-members, and guests have found) that there is something exquisitely transforming about arriving at 9 a.m. on a Shabbat morning and starting the day with Rabbi Miriam Hamrell leading us in an opening meditation where we let go of what's outside the room and we then connect with the joy of being able to study the words of our tradition together for the pursuit of peace and wholeness.

May you be blessed with a healthy and wonderful new year, guided by the wisdom that is available to us if we find the right teachers and study partners to help us keep learning and growing in every decade of life.

---For more information about Ahavat Torah Congregation and directions to 343 Church Lane in Brentwood, please visit http://www.ahavattorahcongregation.org/ or call 310 362-1111 and ask to be put on the free list for receiving the weekly newsletter of classes, events, and celebrations.

IS LIFE RANDOM OR CONNECTED?

Here's a mystery for you to ponder:

On May 22nd at Ahavat Torah Congregation in Brentwood/Westwood, there was an extremely full sanctuary because three fascinating women were having an Adult Bat Mitzvah. All of these three diverse women were extremely articulate and inspiring about their complicated and non-linear spiritual path in life that resulted in their mature decision to explore their Jewishness more deeply.

One of the women, Laurel Gord, said something which has spun my brain around and caused me to wonder what is random and what is connected in the way things happen in this world. Here's what she explained:

Like many modern Jews, Laurel was raised in a household where her one Jewish parent emphasized the importance of repairing the world but this parent was very skeptical about religion or belief. So Laurel became a helping professional and volunteer working for many years on numerous heartfelt social issues, but she stayed away from temples or synagogues for the most part.

Then a few years ago when Laurel had just begun to start learning more about Judaism, she was talking with a Sufi Muslim friend named Noor-Malika Chishti at an Interfaith event. When Noor-Malika heard that Laurel hadn't yet found a congregation or a rabbi that felt comfortable to her, she decided to tell Laurel about the "wonderful and welcoming Jewish congregation that shares the same building on Saturdays with a church group that worships on Sundays and with a Sufi Muslim Masalah that meets there weekly on a different day as well."

That one informal conversation between a compassionate Sufi Muslim woman and a compassionate secular Jewish-by-birth woman resulted in Laurel showing up a while later for the 9 am Saturday Mussar (ethics) class at Ahavat Torah. Then Laurel found that she enjoyed the singing and the warmth at the weekly Shabbat services. Eventually she became interested in studying with Rabbi Miriam Hamrell and the congregation's in-house Bat Mitzvah tutor Rena Jaffe to prepare for an extremely empowering and life-affirming Adult Bat Mitzvah.

As they say in Yiddish, "Go figure." If you connect the dots, you will find that Noor-Malika has been in a "Cousins Club" dialogue of Jewish women and Muslim women for the past 8 years with a number of remarkable women who belong to Ahavat Torah, including Jean Katz, Vivian Gold, Linda Schorin, Rinat Amir, Shayna Lester, and Rabbi Miriam Hamrell. The women in the "Cousins Club" mostly thought they were building bridges for peace and mutual understanding. Probably no one imagined that the Jewish-Muslim Women's Dialogue would result in a referral for a wonderful new member for the congregation.

Laurel's spiritual journey to reclaim her Jewishness and the unexpected match-making by Noor-Malika got me thinking and wondering--what key events in our lives are random coincidence and what key events are a holy moment of beshert ("meant to be") that mysteriously connects us to some awesome higher energies? What is "accidental" and what is part of a bigger picture that we humans can't fully fathom?

AN ENTHUSIASTIC CONVERSATION

Laurel's story of how she found her way to a congregation and a rabbi that she grew to love, caused me to remember the moment when I first heard about Ahavat Torah. In the summer of 2004, I was giving a workshop to a group of Jewish adults about my recent book "When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People." Two of the people attending the workshop told me enthusiastically during the snacks portion of the event, "Hey, there's this relatively new congregation called Ahavat Torah that has an extremely warm and approachable Rabbi, terrific music, some great classes and celebrations, along with a very warm, creative membership and not a lot of egos."

A few weeks later my wife Linda and I decided to sample one of the congregation's events that was being held at the Rabbi's home. We were amazed at how participatory, unpretentious, welcoming, and deep in wisdom the event was. A few weeks later we began attending High Holyday services and Shabbat services with this new congregation and eventually we became members.

I sometimes stop and wonder, "What if those two people hadn't told me their enthusiasm for Rabbi Miriam Hamrell and the 'One Torah, One People, Many Teachers' approach at Ahavat Torah? Linguistic scholars say that the word "theos" or "God" is contained in the word "enthusiasm." But can we know for certain if those two enthusiastic people were doing God's work, or was it just a random event completely devoid of any meaning or beshert-ness?

What do you think? Do you believe that you are sometimes a vessel or a conduit for specific awesome energies that are bigger than we'll ever know? Do you ever wonder if our heartfelt conversations (or our I-Thou moments as described by Martin Buber) contain sparks of the Divine Presence? Do you ever feel as if you are part of a holy chain of events when you tell someone about a beautiful work of art, an exquisite piece of music, a wonderful Rabbi or congregation, or a possible soul mate that he or she should meet? Or is it just random luck and trivial small-talk, but nothing more?

OPEN OUR LIPS THAT OUR MOUTHS MAY DECLARE

Whether or not you believe you are an instrument that is breathed into each day by an Infinite Breath is up to you. I can't prove it to you one way or the other. In fact, in Judaism there is a lot of room for varying beliefs. Some Jews believe it is all orchestrated. Other Jews believe there is a Presence which gives us clues, but that we are quite free to miss or rebel against the clues. Other Jews believe we are guided by the teachings of a Great Teacher who usually does not intervene in daily life. Other Jews believe there is a Shefa or flow from a compassionate Source, but that it is up to us to align ourselves with that flow.

The one thing that nearly all Jews agree upon is that we human beings don't yet know the whole picture. In the Kaddish prayer and in many other places, it says that the Eternal One is "beyond any words or concepts that we humans can describe." It's quite humbling to be a human being.

So when you tell someone about a beautiful work of art, an exquisite piece of music, a wonderful Rabbi or congregation, or a possible soul mate that he or she should meet, there probably needs to be both enthusiasm and humility. Enthusiasm means being open to the possibility that a spark of the Infinite Creative Source is contained in your conversation. Humility means you don't know for sure and you therefore have the gracefulness to not twist someone's arm mercilessly because of your enthusiasm.

But it still seems like one of the great mysteries of life how we find a mate, a creative path, a spiritual home, or a wonderful series of friends because of one humble and enthusiastic comment from another human being at an unexpected moment.

If you think about Laurel Gord's story or your own unique story, does it make you wonder how each of us finds a place that eventually becomes an inspiring spiritual home? Over the past few months I've asked many members of Ahavat Torah, "How did you first hear about the congregation?" Depending on your belief system, the answers can sound extremely random or extremely beshert and mystical.

One congregant told me she heard about this lively place to sing, learn, and connect from a doctor who liked to converse while she was in stirrups.

Another congregant told me she happened to spontaneously ask her neighbor to suggest where might be an inspiring place to reconnect with High Holyday services after many years away.

Yet another congregant told me she was dating a divorced man who told her about his wonderful rabbi and an extremely friendly and unpretentious congregation. This woman eventually got free of the guy but became very involved with the congregation.

Another congregant told me he was at a social activism event and he was curious about why such a small and new congregation had such a sizable presence at this important event.

Finally, another active member of Ahavat Torah told me she was congregation-less for many years (and happily so, she said) until she happened to come to an Adult Bat Mitzvah several years ago where she was inspired by the honesty, the depth, and the caring she saw in the congregation. She said, "I don't usually join groups," but this time she made an exception.

SUMMERTIME CURIOSITY

In the next three months, lots of women and men in Los Angeles will begin trying to figure out where they could feel most comfortable and most inspired for the High Holydays this September (especially since Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur arrive quite early on the calendar this year). Some of these individuals are our family members, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. Others are complete strangers with whom we might be sharing a meaningful conversation at the most unexpected moments.

If you happen to be talking to any of these individuals and you want to share your enthusiasm about the pleasures you have found at an inspiring congregation where there is abundant singing, learning, celebrating, and a healthy sense of community, please be humble and graceful in your enthusiasm.

And if it is meant to be, we can all look forward to meeting these individuals at the Mussar class, or at Shabbat services, or at other upcoming events, or at High Holydays services.

Maybe even in a few years you will be sitting in a packed sanctuary at an Adult Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration and hearing this individual tell the story of a surprising moment when someone talked about a growing congregation and a light flipped on for this person. Will it seem random to you or will it seem blessed by a Source that is beyond words?

For more information about Ahavat Torah Congregation, please visit www.ahavattorahcongregation.org or request a free weekly newsletter of events by contacting jgmmd@roadrunner.com.

Or if you are interested in learning the steps toward an inspiring Adult Bar/Bat Mitzvah, please speak with Rabbi Miriam Hamrell or Rena Jaffe.

Or if you want to sample the weekly Mussar/ethics class (9-10am each Saturday) or the lively Shabbat services (10am-12:30pm each Saturday followed by a free pot-luck dairy lunch), please visit the congregation at 343 Church Lane (near Montana Avenue and the 405). During the Sunset Boulevard construction, it's best to go north from Wilshire along Sepulveda until you reach Montana. Turn left on Montana and go under the 405 Freeway. Then turn right on Church Lane and look for parking.